For Him - Domestic Violence Against Men (DVaM)

This was the first topic in "For Him". From the response and feedback, this topic may come up again in a few weeks. Someone asked me to share the script for the live cast for easy referral. Also, I have included the Facebook video for you to watch and join the conversation. I might go ahead to share these from every episode of the live cast, from now on. 

Thank you for joining me on this facebook livecast. My name is Tobe Nneji. I hope your weekend has been going on nicely. 

Last week I sort off laid a background for what these livecasts are about but in case this is your first time watching, let me fill you in. We are in an age of outspokenness and there is as an increasing call for women to live full lives, devoid of gender based limitations and expectations. In the midst of all that, I don’t hear a lot of voices saying that men should be accorded the same and men shouldn’t have to be burdened by gender based limitations and expectations. So I created a group, For Him, and will be doing these livecasts, every Saturday at 6pm GMT, to lend my voice and hopefully, get more and more of us to be aware of the need to engage men, empower men and sort of, release everyone from gender based limitations.

On the group, I’ve pinned the present rules of engagement and I encourage you to join the group and be part of conversations and share your thoughts, concerns and things that you think should be addressed. The group was closed but I realized it might be better to start as an open group and so I changed that. We may go back to being closed later, it depends on how the needs arise.

So every week, we take a topic. I share resources on the group and on my page, I encourage interaction based on the topic, and then, on Saturday, I have the livecast to talk about it with you. This week, we are going right in to the conversation of Domestic Violence. Against Men.

DISCLAIMER

Before I continue, I feel the need to say here that this entire initiative is not anti-feminist. Neither is it an attempt to undermine any of the courses being frontlined for women. If anything, this initiative is to play a part in creating a world that really is level. It would be a shame if, a century from now, all the things that women have fought to rise above from become the things that men have to struggle with. Specific to this Topic, I think we are doing a great disservice to humanity by consistently portraying men as the perpetrators of domestic violence when in fact, every human is capable of violence. Every human is capable of flipping and attacking and anyone could be on the receiving end of that attack. I think that choosing to not acknowledge that fact in tackling domestic violence, allows room for damage to be done, reinforces stereotypes that we can all live without and doesn’t offer protection to everyone who is involved in a situation of domestic violence.

WHAT IS DVAM

So, what is DVaM? It is domestic violence experienced by men or boys, in an intimate relationship. Sometimes it’s called Intimate Partner Violence against men. During the week I shared a video research and a slide share presentation that highlighted several things where DVaM is concerned.

- Story of DV show I did in enugu

- Does DVaM exist, specifically in heterosexual relationships?

- There is argument that highlighting the existence of DVaM, undermines the fight against Domestic Violence against Women. I don’t think so. If anything I think addressing them both is going to help us come to that place were intimate partner violence, violence bourne out of love, is all addressed and resolved and brought to an end.

- Even though male violence produced more injury, a 2007 sturdy showed that 70% of the IPV in heterosexual relationships was inflicted on men. {This makes me wonder if violence is only violence when injury is caused. I don’t think so. } There is so much more researchable evidence of the existence of abuse on men, domestic abuse against men.

WHY IS IT UNDER-REPORTED

Domestic violence, as a whole is underreported. In a 1995 UK sturdy, it showed that there were about 1 million cases of police reported IPV, while an independent research questionnaire recorded over 6 million incidents of IPV during the same period. The same report showed that the percentage of men who reported to the police was about ¼ the percentage of women who reported, however, the percentage of men who experienced IPV was almost equal to the percentage of women who did.

So why is DVaM underreported?

Why do you think?

I have a few thoughts:

- A man’s masculinity is questioned if he reports. The question becomes ‘where is your machismo’

- This leads to ridicule by peers and society.

- The reality is sometimes reversed. A 1985 American study showed that out of 41 emergency calls placed for domestic violence, 17 were men. In all these cases, no woman was arrested, asked to leave the premises or threatened with future arrest. It showed that 12% of the time, the man who called to report was arrested.

- IPV against men is often justified as a reaction for previously unreported IPV by men. Eg. ‘She hit his head because he had been beating her every night for the past 1 year’. There’s this episode of How to Get away with murder. I think season 2, ep 6. In it, Annalise has to defend a woman, Jill, who killed her husband. Annalise quickly saw that she had gone the extra mile to make the scene look like it was self-defense. It turned out that woman was actually born male and if we were discussing transgender matters, that would be focus. But for the purpose of this discussion, she was a woman who killed her husband and staged it to look like self-defense and justified on the bases of previous unreported abuse.

- Aggression by women on men is not as heavily criticized as aggression by men on women. There’s a social experiment video that’s been on facebook that shows a woman smacking a man on the head and everyone just walking past and laughing. Then is shows a man pushing a women and people actually stop to ‘fight’ him.

- Men don’t realize they are victims. It takes grace, I think, and a good amount of self-awareness, to realize that you are being abused. This is true for everyone. We have been socialized to see men as perpetrators so even for a man who is victim, the idea of being a victim is align for him. It kind of like the lion. He’s a natural predator. It might take him a bit to realize he’s gone from hunter to hunted. And even when he realizes, he may not have the slightest idea, how to function as a ‘huntee’

HOW CAN WE MAKE IT BETTER

Someone told me a facebook group won’t make a difference. I find that funny because we are in an age where one person, in an obscure part of the world, could make an overwhelming difference just by thinking and doing. So I think, if we all make decisions as regards our actions and perceptions, we can make a difference.

As regards DVaM though, how do you think we can help the situation?

- Talk about it. acknowledge that it exists. Encourage men to say something

- Masculinity is an experience. There is no one way of being masculine. The tenates of being a Machismo male are not all governed by physical strength. Plus, having physical strength does not mean you are willing to exert your physical strength towards defending yourself from or fighting back an abusive partner. So if a man says he is leaving a partner because she hit him, it is valid. It shouldn’t come with stigma or ridicule.

- Instead of encouraging women to fight back, let us encourage them to walk away as amicably as possible. Fighting back will, in the long run, increase bi-directional abuse and nobody wins.

- As we teach our boys not to hit a woman, let us teach out girls not to hit a man. Violence is not a respecter of gender. Violence is violence.

- Let’s start to speak up for there to be legislation that is not gender biased. If there is an act for Domestic Violence against Women, there should be one for Domestic Violence against Men or just one for Domestic Violence, that captures it all.

- The support being given to women with shelters and support groups and re-integration programs are great and should not stop. However, that same support needs to start being developed for men. In the video resource I shared, it showed that just one shelter for abused men, was found, as at 2012.

KEY TAKE AWAYS

- DVaM exist and needs our attention too

- The patriarchal system hurts men as much as women. Men don’t have to bear so much and pretend that they are strong to take the weight. That is what patriarchy has socialized them to be and we can start to change that cycle.

- A real man never hits a woman. A real woman never hits a man. A real human being never hits a partner.

- Violence is violence and should never come in the shroud of love.

Please share your thoughts in the comment section of this video, share this video on your pages and spread the word and please join the group ‘For Him’. Be a part of conversations, feel free to start conversations and share your own stories. The group is not gender restrictive because at the end of the day, everyone needs the awareness and everyone needs to do their own part to make it better.

I will put up the discussion for next week in the group and share on my pages as well. I look forward to you joining me again next week Saturday at 6pm GMT. My name is Tobe Nneji. Don’t forget, men have needs too and all of it our business.