An Essay: Feminism - A misguided approach

I imagine that the title of this post may raise eyebrows, stir thoughts and cause you to wonder what this really is all about...especially if you know me and consider me 'one of those feminists'. I implore you to read on.

I recently conversed with a friend in her late 20’s whose mother simply can’t wait for her to be married off. She is the only unmarried female child in the family and seeing as she is pursing a career in acting, her mother, like most Nigerian mothers, only sees her career chasing as a diversionary tactic to facing full on the issue of marriage. My friend joked and laughed about how her mother had asked an Alfa (a Muslim cleric) to pray for her so that the spirit of ‘independent-woman’ would leave her and she would be married; she added how she didn’t think the prayer was well said because she still didn’t have marriage on her agenda. She ended our conversation by making a strong pronouncement, “I am a proud feminist, I don’t need a man”, a statement which has been resounding in my thoughts since then.

Listening to her, I could relate with her plight - we are both women in our late 20’s, we are both trying hard to create niches, differentiate ourselves and chase our dreams and we are both having to regularly deal with family and societal pressures to get married. And yes, I too have had to kneel through prayer sessions where the sole prayer point was for me to be married and not scare off potential suitors. We have also both used the word ‘feminist’ to describe ourselves, but, unlike my dear friend, I do not think that being feminist means I do not need a man. This approach to Feminism is what I consider misguided.

As much as there are people who see Feminism as an equal rights movement, there are so many women like my dear friend, who either believe (or pretend to believe) that men are not needed and they go right ahead to hand it down to other young girls. 

As a broadcaster, I have come across different kinds of people with different personal philosophies, and as a feminist, I always try to pry out each individual’s thoughts on feminism. Sadly, my findings reveal that there are so many ‘feminists’ who believe they do not need men while there are so few men who truly believe in feminism.

Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie gave the definition of a feminist which I consider most appropriate: “Feminist, a person who believes in the social, economic and political equality of the sexes”. By this definition, everyone ought be a feminist, and I actually believe that if this definition was ascribed to a word that hadn’t already been abused, everyone should indeed be feminists.

I  think this is a problem confronting women and young girls...one we may not even be aware of.

A lot of young female speakers and influencers today preach feminism but only focus on one part, the part where women should have a voice, chase a dream and be liberated. A lot of these same speakers are probably in the same place as my friend and I; working hard, independent, chasing dreams and single.

Ideally, achieving life’s goals without so much as dwelling on a man should in no way ridicule men or the important role they play as hunter-gatherers. However, more and more females are convinced (or pretend to be convinced) that men have no real role in the grand scheme of things. I once heard a supposed ‘feminist’ say that she would be happy to visit a sperm bank and have artificial insemination if she ever felt the need for a child, and that a man had absolutely no role to play in her life. From where I stand, it seems that feminism has been approached from the standpoint of self-centeredness, the ‘me first’ ideology, on the part of women, combined with a growing lack of regard for our male counterparts. I have heard many a feminist demean other women who willfully choose to be married and who find fulfillment in being homemakers and full time stay-at-home mothers, describing them as women who do not have drive and dreams. This philosophy, I believe, will eventually breed a generation of women who are go getters, high fliers and achievers, no doubt, but who are also out of touch with other traits that make us, first of all, human, and then, women.  Things like the overwhelming nurturing love that only a woman is capable of giving will soon be pushed to the abyss in our bid to outdo the men in this game called life.

At several points in this essay, I have alluded to the possibility of pretence;  Again, I have come across one too many females who now refuse to be called feminists simply because, according to them, being feminist could have cost them the marital bliss they now enjoy. With this mentality, it appears as if one cannot be liberated while basking in the joys of marital bliss. Seeing as this approach comes across, more often than not, as a battle, the feminist movement will always meet with resistance and we may never get the full benefits that could come from being a true feminist.

This is a dilemma confronting young women which, unfortunately, they may not even be aware of. 

I would like my message and work to redefine the concept of feminism and promote, among men and women, the ideology that everyone is, first of all, human, before they are male or female. As such, every human should be ascribed equal rights.

This, I believe, will take away the hard but somewhat unconscious choice women face to either be feminists and achieve great things or be a wife and remain just that, a wife.