Behind the spectacles: Letter to my friend

Dear Friend,

How far na. I know we don't talk all the time, but don't worry, I have you and your best interest in my heart. I pray for you every morning when I pray for myself and some nights, I even murmur your name in my prayers. I promise you, all my prayers for you are for your prosperity and success.

You see dear friend, our relationship will grow even stronger as the years go by, unless of course, you do some thing that is a deal-breaker. So, to avoid stories that touch in the future, I thought it would be nice for us to talk about our deal breakers. I will go first:

1. Do not fool around with my man...even if he is my side-man. Period.

Lucky for you, I am not one of those who think you can't date my ex either...go right ahead if he rocks your boat...but don't ask me for relationship advice with him or expect that he and I won't share private jokes and by all means, do not expect me to always listen to you go on and on about how in-love with him you are. I may not mind that you are with my Ex, but I am human...do not tempt me. 

And oh, for the record, I think I am one of the few on earth who do not mind. Most other friends will skin you alive for dating their Ex...so make sure you don't take this particular trait of mine for granted.

2. Please ask before you use or take my stuff and make sure you return them...in good condition too.

I don't mind sharing. As a matter of fact, I love to share - cloths, shoes, jewellery, accessories - but I get so put off by people who just assume it is ok to take my stuff without asking and then take them for so long that I forget they even belong to me. It gets worse when you finally return and it's in a bad shape. Explain to me how you want me to use shoes that are so worn and bent that it looks like five of the Nigerian trekkers wore them accross the country, one after the other? Let me state here, very clearly, that if you burrow my car with a full tank and you return it with half tank, I will either take money from your wallet to refill my tank (and tell you of course) or i will send you back to bring me full tank or that friendship of ours will start to dwindle (especially in this season of scarcity...eyes are red for fuel biko). 

3. Do not bad mouth me to other friends of mine, especially those I have been friends with for longer than I have been with you.

This is a classic case of 'when two elephants fight, it is the grass that suffers'. If I have built a friendship with someone over years and you just come into my life and I introduce you to that person then you decide to make me look bad to that person, my dear friend, you will be the one to suffer. Unless that person was never a friend, chances are that you would have just gained two frenemies who will never be there for you. Just this week, a friend I have known since 2010 made a comment and I kept on poking him till he told me why he said it. It turned out that a former friend (whom I used to work with and only met in 2013) had stayed, by herself, and called him to give him 'gist' about me (how she even got his number is even still a mystery). I asked him if he believed her and he said and I quote "If I did, me and I for no dey siddon dey gist na, ode". When the time is right, I will visit her randomly and make sure she knows he and I are still tight like we have always been (maybe even tighter because he got me a pricey gift out of the blue)...I hope it pains her to her bone marrows *insert evil laugh here*

4. Do not borrow money from me. If you do, grow a brain and pay back...do not let me chase you for it.

This is probably the most important to me (because I know how hard I work for every kobo I earn). I am a nice person o, don't get me wrong. I am also empathic and generous with money...I have even borrowed to give a friend, so yeah, I am nice like that *pops collar*. But being that nice means I am very easy to take advantage of. All these small small "gimme 2k, I will give you back" or "beg you get 1k there" or "please borrow me 100k to pay my rent, I will pay you at the end of month" or anything that remotely resemble any of these...they are the biggest killers of friendships. If you are in a bad place and need to be given money, then ask to be given; do not come and form planning to pay back when you know you probably won't. It gets worse when you owe and you don't even have the decency to apologise for the delay in payment once in a while. The worst is when I now eventually ask you for my money and you say "is it common 2k that you are using to insult me like this"...hmm, my dear, the 2k is common, oya give me.

There are other little things that could threaten our relationship like if I find out you do drugs (as I don't want to be influenced by you, I will jejely move on) or if it turns out your source of income is illegal (I like how I don't have police record, I don't want that to change by association with you) or if you do jazz/juju/ogwu/voodoo (I think this one is for your own benefit, before my prayers to God will cancel your jazz and you will be there, accusing people from your village...lol) but the 4 listed above are the almost instantaneous deal breakers.

So, my dear friend, now that I have laid it all out, I hope you will be so kind as to respect my boundaries and also share yours with me so that this friendship of ours can last and get stronger through the years.

Yours sincerely,

Me.