The Case if the Bad Mentor

I am sure you have heard that to make it in life, it is important that you have a mentor. I do not argue this position at all.

But as much as there are good mentors and people who will actually give you good advice and believe in you, so much that they will stand by you as you grow and even hold you through your bad decisions, there are also those who are there to exploit you. There are also those who are posers...they really don't know what they are talking about but like the fact that you let them talk and so they do. Then there are those who see mentoring you as a chance to hit on you...

I once had a mentor who turned out to be a bad one...I should have known better but what's a girl to do when you meet a person who you think is living the life you dream of. I recently burned all bridges with this mentor and told him things I had kept bottled up for about 9 months. I kept these things bottled up because I was afraid to burn the bridge, in case I needed him in future (you know how we humans like to stay in-touch with people we can't stand just in case they become the key to unlocking a part of our dreams) but recently, when I tried to have a civil conversation with him, he brought back all the anger and pain I associated him with in my life and I decided on the spot, to "light up the crossings". 

I don't regret it.

So now, if you will allow me, (seeing as I now have this experience), let me 'mentor' you on how to spot a bad mentor. Please note that these points are entirely based on my experience and may feature stories of some incidents I lived through with this 'Mentor'. Also, I had this mentor in my life for about a year...it took a few months before the 'badness' begun and even longer for me to grow out of it, mentally. 

A bad mentor self glorifies:

Seeing as he was my mentor, I felt the need to run a lot of career decisions and thoughts by him to get his input and thoughts...after all, he had been in this business for decades. Almost everytime I started a conversation about something I wanted to do, somehow, the gist would switch and become about him. He would use words like 'I am an international personality and I don't expect you to know what I am talking about' or 'Sorry, I must be barraging your small mind with all my achievements' and other phrases like that.

He never missed a chance to tell me how accomplished he was.

On one occasion when I had earned a scolding (even I know this) because I did something I shouldn't have done (and I reported myself o....shouldn't I have at least gotten a pat on the back for admitting my fault?) he said "This is why you are still a local act. At your age, I was already a notable name in the United States". 

In my head (and spirit and soul), I died.

A bad mentor tries to take advantage of you:

Maybe this is a side-effect of having a mentor of the opposite sex. (I still have not built a relationship with a female mentor up close so I am not too sure). This mentor of mine eventually wanted to be 'the man' in my life. My refusal was the beginning of the end of our relationship. 

Now here is the thing...to the best of my knowledge, he wasn't married so it wasn't morality that stopped me, neither was he a bad looking fella. I was just not into him. Period. 

I certainly didn't tell him that (I had grown enough brain to know that telling a person like him that I wasn't into him would probably lead to a world war) but I told him I was in a relationship and that I had too much respect for him to see him anyway else. That was the last phone conversation we had....I can not bring myself to write the words he said to me.

Out of respect, I didn't hang up but I allowed my mind drift to pictographic representations of how much my trust in him had been abused by this his need to be my significant other. I thought about the first time I suspected he would want more from me than a mentor-mentee relationship and how blindsided I was not to have walked out then. 

He started to compliment a little too keenly on my looks and took too much interest in my dressing. My head tried to justify it by saying he was trying to work on my over all image...#StoryForTheGods.

A bad mentor leaves you hanging when you make a bad decision:

Remember how I said there are good mentors who stick with you and hold your hand, even when you mess things up, they help you figure it out and encourage you.

Well, the reverse is the case with a bad mentor.

I sent an email to mentor, telling him about something that was going wrong (I felt the need to tell him because I took his advice and did as he said but yet, it was going wrong) and his response to my email was "Thank you for the information darling but I do not see how this is my concern". 

My eyes teared up in split seconds.

Unfortunatley, it would be 'calling-out' if I tried to explain the circumstances surrounding this email but let me paint the worst case scenario: let us assume I had done all I was advised not to and was tied in a legal battle and had police on my case, do you think that is the sort of response a good mentor (who knows you see them as that and who has even introduced you as his mentee) would give? 

But this incident was a glaring one...before this there had been smaller ones, dressed up in snide comments like "oh you have messed up as usual, you need to fix this" or "why do you constantly do these things" or "I am too busy with my life right now, fix this yourself".

A bad mentor gives you advice...for his own selfish purposes:

So once upon a time, I was adamant on going to school abroad (I still am) but I was open to different countries. This mentor of mine barraged me so much with the standards on one country and told me how a media education anywhere else would be useless and all that. Luckily, I never fully bought into all his talk...I still kept my options open.

When our relationship ended, I realised that the major reason he did that was to get me to move to the country he lives. It was all a ploy, first, for personal gratification. 

A bad mentor makes you loose touch of reality:

As much as mentors are needed, please also understand that some mentors operate in a generation different from yours. As much as their bits of advice may be honest and without malice, let's face it, some things that were true 15 years ago are no longer applicable now. 

A bad mentor will tell you how the world now is stupid and nothing works and how their times were better. If he is a good orator, he will cause you to loose touch of what is real and make you set your sights so high (or low) that you would have to break to attain them.

A bad mentor makes you feel insufficient:

Sometime it could be by comparing you to someone else you both know or to themselves...It could be by stating some obvious weakness/inadequacies you have one too many times...it could be by calling you out in the presence of people. A good mentor should always try to make you feel positive. A bad mentor does the exact opposite. For them, keeping you dependent on them is all that matters...god forbid that you grow a voice and your shine brighter than they do.

A bad mentor constantly reminds you of how much they have done for you:

You know the saying...do not take from a person who will brag about giving you. This is the case with a bad mentor. with every chance, he will remind you of all the benefits he (thinks he) has brought your way and if you are unfortunate (like I was), he will tell you how you should be eternally grateful and maybe even worship the ground he walks on.

By all means, find a mentor but please be careful not to get a bad one. Even if you do get a bad one, be bold enough to leave early so that you do not spend time in your life, trusting the experience and judgment of a person who does not rally have your best interest at heart.