Behind the spectacles: 2 Lessons from past relationships

So I was chatting on the phone with my friend, Adams and he was teasing me about how I was so hot and it's just sad that all he sees when he looks at me is 'his guy'. (This is the case with a lot of my male friends...maybe I should do a reverse Bruce Jenner #NoShadeIntended lol). He then asked me what kind of guy I was looking for and I said "call me materialistic, but the brother has to have money". He was shocked and said I didn't strike him like that kind of chic and he felt i could hold my own and so I proceeded to explain. That explanation is the 1st lesson I will share.

I have dated more than one person who didn't have money...I mean, the kind were I was splitting my small earnings to support them and both times, I got burned. I got burned with statements like "Is it because you are one paying for it?". I remember one time when my 'boyfriend' was going on and on about how broke he was and I sent him money and next thing I know, he is out on a movie date with another girl. Just think about it, would I be wrong to assume that I paid for that movie date? Anyway, I have come to learn that a man who does not have money and is dating a girl like me, who is constantly moving and trying to do several things to earn a little extra here and there, will either 

- take from her (and maybe give someone else) till she has nothing left to give and then walk away

- become so insecure and paranoid that simple conversations will be tainted by the cloud of being insufficient as a man

I found myself making excuses for these guys I dated who didn't have money. I also found myself walking on egg shells around them because I didn't want them to feel bad about me being the one paying for most things.

I soon found that that was a difficult way to live because it restricted me from living my life and pursing several things, for pleasure or purpose, just because I didn't want to wound a man's ego.

So ends lesson one. 

A few months ago, I met someone and we kinna got talking. In about a week he told me he loved me and wanted to marry me. I told him in clear terms that he should chill with all the marriage talk and spend some time getting to know me. We talked everyday for months and the long and short of every conversation was "oh Tobe, I love you, I want to marry you." I would ask questions and get cryptic answers and after months of conversation, when I thought about him, I still felt like I was contemplating a stranger. Eventually I ended the relationship (a part of me doesn't even want to call it that because it felt so baseless and empty). He eventually told me that he would chill with the whole marriage talk and that he only said that because he felt that was what he needed to say to get my attention. I still went ahead to break up with him but I took some time to explain to him, why. That explanation is the 2nd lesson I will share.

In 2013, I ended what has to be one of the worst relationships I ever had. It was abusive, I was subdued and I didn't even realise it and I was going about living a false life, telling myself things like "Tobe, this is how you need to calm down to be married". I considered living a life I knew I would hate for the sake of 'love and marriage'. He didn't exactly fit into what I call my 'fantasy prince in shiny armour' but I felt he loved me and hell, he wanted to marry me. We met through a mutual friend who pretty much told me "Ah Tobe, I have this guy that is looking for wife o, make I hook una up na". And at that point in my life, I had a wedding invitation every week and had succumbed to the subtle unspoken psychological pressure to be married. So from the get go, I was being 'packaged' as wife material and that mutual friend of mine (who was newly wed at time) was full of advice on how best to be the ideal wife. I took a lot of psychological abuse...he told me things like "I told you this your job that you think you are good at is just a waste of time, you are nothing". He would call me while I was on air and when I didn't pick, he would accuse me of unwritable things. I was a shadow of my boisterous self and I kept telling myself that the way I felt was 'normal' because, after all, he and I are going to be married. The only reason we were both in that relationship was to be married and it was a disaster. We didn't know ourselves or trust ourselves and he certainly had no ounce of respect for me, as a person.

As bad as this relationship was (and oh, let me not get started on the drama the was the break up), I learnt that

- it probably isn't safe to start up a relationship with marriage as the ultimate goal. Yes, marriage is a good thing but if that it is the be all and end all from the start of a relationship, you will find yourself putting up with things that just might break you.

- being in church everyday does not make you a good christian. He and I went to church together a lot of times. We would fight, go to church, be too mad at each other to even shake during the 'peace-of-the-Lord' part of the mass ritual, and go home still mad at each other and carrying face.

- a person who loves you does not put you down. They will chastise you and tell you when you are going wrong and will most likely do so while giving you an alternative. They will never say things to you like "You are nothing". Love will never repress you.

So ends lesson 2

I can not say, honestly, what I want, but I most certainly know what I do not want. We have all learnt lessons from the strangest of places and experiences...it is up to you to use them as you go on in life.

What lessons have you learnt from past relationships?