A Squatter's Guide to Happy Squatting (Part 2)

5. I was working 3 jobs at that time (and still not making up to 100k a month…life is a pot of beans sha) and I was tired. It was a public holiday and the plan was to eat-sleep-eat-sleep-eat-sleep and pray that I manage to squeeze in a shower into my ‘tight schedule’. I was on my sleep plan when she got a call and a visitor came to see her…a guy. A male guest meant I couldn’t sleep in my underwear and I would have to bear the discomfort of heat (didn’t own a gen at that point and PHCN had not learnt how to turn on the power that year). Like that wasn’t enough, this guest came with his laptop and they sat on the floor, with the laptop on the bed, and watched a movie. Needless to say, I was the grumpiest little girl on earth at that moment. I eventually got out of bed and went to my housemate’s room and begged him to allow me sleep. Luckily he was going out and left his key for me. From my housemate’s room though, I heard the arrival of 2 more guests….girls. I just thanked heavens that I was safe in another room…away from all the noise. I slept but in my head, I started counting down the days to when she would leave.

Lesson: Restrict your visitors. Try to meet up with your friends in their own houses or at spots. If they have to come to the place you stay, don’t let them stay long or let them come when your host is not around. Especially if you don’t have the same circle of friends, make effort to not let your circle be an inconvenience to your host. 

6. I was living in an office provided quarters. Tiny place. In the same compound as my boss. I didn’t have much of a choice so I stayed (plus it was very close to the office…saved me a lot on transport). She said she was coming to stay in the town for two weeks just to ‘get away and clear her head’. In my head, that meant my friend was coming on holiday…it would be fun…yay! Oh how wrong could I have been. Long story short, 2 weeks turned to about a year and a half. I coyly asked at several points when she would leave and what her plans were and it wasn’t until after several month that she opened up about the situation was going through and how she intended to stay with me till whenever it was sorted. I understood her plight so it was ok for her to stay. But if she had told me from the start, it would have saved us a lot of unnecessary cold wars and silent treatment episodes.

Lesson: you don’t have to be ashamed to squat with a person. Life happens. Situations can toss different living needs your way. When you know you are coming in to live with a person and not just visit temporarily, say so from the start and let the living arrangements be defined. That way, you can both respect each other’s space and live together.

7. I had just moved into town and was working. But I still hadn’t found a place to stay mostly because the houses I liked were way higher than my budget and the things within my budget were crap. I had to save up some more and/or keep searching till something decent in my budget range popped up. She had let me stay at hers through the period of about 7 months. When I got my place, she tried to convince me not to go. I asked her why…usually, the host wants to squatter to leave so he/she can regain his/her space. She said she would miss me…the way I stepped up and split bills with her; she recounted the time her bathtub broke and she had to travel and when she got back, I had had a new one installed; she talked about how she never came back to a scattered house even though she knew I hated to fold stuff (she always left the house before me); she said she would miss knowing there was someone she could count on to follow he r to the market, help her decide what to wear, insult bad boys with and experiment new recipes. We eventually developed a method where we slept over at each others houses several times a month. Every time I travel to that town, I stay with her. Every time she travels to town I live, she stays with me. No questions asked. 

Lesson: You a squatter. Not a younger sister/brother or dependent relative. All you do not have is a place to stay but you should hold your own. Support in the living expenses…small things as buying fruits for the fridge, fuel for the gen, paying the electricity bill once in a while and helping to make dinner wont kill you. If anything, they will help you feel less like dead weight (this is me assuming that as a descent human being, everyone will feel that pang of guilt for being an inconvenience to someone else) and help your host see you as more of a housemate than a squatter.

8. She and her very good friend lived together. He friend was the funniest thing. Conversations with her would leave anyone rolling on the floor. She was also the most scattered and dirtiest thing. She never washed dishes or cloths or underwear. She once used the kitchen scissors to cut out her braids. Her host loved the company but couldn’t keep up with the dirt. After a year and half of constantly saying “babe please at least clean up after yourself” to no real improvement, miss host found a new place, moved out and didn’t give miss funny-pig the key to the new place. That was the end of their relationship.

Lesson: Even if you are a pig by nature, in someone else’s space, dig into your inner core and find the part of you that is clean. No one likes to stay with a dirty person. 

9. I went home with my friend who had a distant relative staying with her through her service year. She saw a condom on the dressing table. She looked in the thrash and saw another condom wrapping. She said “I never have sex in my house and this stupid girl has come to do it on my bed?” Being the silly ol’ me, I said “How are you sure it wasn’t on the couch or the kitchen?” The look my friend gave me made me realize she wasn’t finding this funny. This friend of mine has always described her house as a holy and safe place…no alcohol, no smoke, no dirty videos, only church boys allowed…so it was a big deal to her that someone had ‘defiled’ her house. The next time I visited (about a week later) the relative had left. When I asked what happened, she said she confronted the girl and the girl kept laughing and telling her to calm down and that it wasn’t a big deal. SO she called her mum and told her mum to tell the girl’s mum to ask her to leave. She told her mum exactly what happened. The girl came back the next day, mad and angry and spewing venom in her words and packed her things and left.

Lesson: Sex is a big deal. I personally think that when you are a squatter, you shouldn’t have sex in your host’s house but even if you decide to, make sure that your host doesn’t mind and do a very thorough job of cleaning up after you. 

10. She wasn’t even a squatter. She was one of those friends that could just come in and go anytime they wanted and had a key. She decided to stay over and brought a friend along. I was out of town. Next thing I know, I’m getting pictures of personal items in my house sent to me. When I asked how the pictures come about, the response I got was “someone staying in your house took them”. TF. I blew my top of course and confronted both ladies. The lady who was ‘guilty’ was no longer welcome in my house…even when our mutual friend wanted to bring her over, the answer was always no. And o, even the mutual friend lost her ‘key’ benefits. 

Lesson: This goes without saying. A person welcomes you into their home and you decide to share their personal life with strangers? Come on. 

If you have your own tips for being a happy squatter, go ahead and share. If you are a squatter at this point in your life, it would be great to hear if you agree with this guide after you’ve tried them.