Yankee Diaries: This is what long flights are made for

Airports and in-flight romance.

Isn’t that what long flights are made for? Why don’t airlines make the extra effort to pair people up when they assign seats? Like even if I check in online and choose my seat, why won’t the airline just be like “Hello miss. As you are flying with us today, seeing as we want to ensure your absolute pleasure on this flight, we would like to offer you a seat change. If you seat here, here or here, you would be beside another passenger whom we believe will make this flight experience extra pleasurable.”

I love the idea of having mulatto babies and as such, marrying a white person is an option I am entirely open to. I had allowed myself fantasize about meeting my prince charming on a flight and falling in love and having a perfect reason not to come back to naija. I imagined how I would get an extra dose of orishirishi by having him be mixed…white/Caucasian or white/brazillian. In my head, I was going in for a kill. And I was happy to start with a little in-flight romance.

After crossing and before boarding, I had some time so I went and did some basic makeup. Brows, base, mascara, eye liner and lip balm. I looked natural and pretty. No single black spot showed but I cursed at those two pimples…both on the right side of my face…that were evidently hell bent on cutting my ‘fine-girl’ vibe. Mchew. And they couldn’t think of a better day to sprout but this day when I was in a mentally ripe state to meet my Mr Plane Right. Oh well…shebi they said it’s inner beauty they see? Plus wait o, its just two pimples; my fine girl vibe didn’t finish joor.

Thankfully my brother was a row behind me…right behind me. But I had texted with a friend of mine and he had given me tips on how to pull off my romance feat without ticking off my brother. I was going to enjoy this flight. It was late and I was exhausted but I had decided that even my sleep would be flirtatious…let me just find my Mr Plane Right.

I was on 33A. I sat and got comfy and had my seat belt on. Then I figured it would be nice to break the ice by asking him to help me adjust the seat belt so I unstrapped myself and proceeded to elongate the straps (yes, women also rehearse conversations and pick-up lines). I was smiling to myself about how my side of the plane had two seats and how he would be stuck with me. Oh the flirting…it would be memorable. And that’s when she came on to my row.

She was about my age or slightly older, pretty, busty and wore glasses like me. She sat in 33B, looked at me and said “Please will you be getting up to pee a lot?”. I replied in the negative. And then she said “ok. Please I want to sleep all through so if you will be peeing, I was going to suggest that we switch seats”. I said “it’s ok…enjoy the flight”.

I strapped myself back in, bit my nail, put on ear muffs and closed my eyes.

My fantasies would have to keep me company trough this flight. I wished my brother was beside me and not behind.

1st published on www.bellanaija.com